Why should only types like President of the United States have a Press Secretary? I watch how he sends the poor guy out to a barking dog press and sits back while his proxy takes all the heat and spins like mad. Maybe I can talk Ari Fleischer into coming back into the business to work for me. It would make my employment a bit smoother:

Press Secretary, Office of The Regular Guy

Press Secretary: I'm here to field questions for the Employee. We'll start with his boss in front row.

Boss: Field questions for the ... who the hell does he think ... okay, whatever. Let's start with: where the hell has he been all this week? He hasn't even called in. We're on the verge of firing him.

P.S.: The Employee shares your concerns about attendance. Attendance is important to the Employee. As we speak he is at home on the phone to leading attendance experts from around the globe. The Employee plans to roll out an innovative "Attendance First" initiative very soon. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with his complete dedication to attendance, even if he's never here. Next question.

Co-Worker Jane: Yes. Jane Morrow, Human Resources. I would like to pass onto to the Employee that it's Hump Day. Only two days left! Woo hoo!

P.S.: The Employee shares in your mindless enthusiasm for vacant banter, which does little more than name the day of the week in relation to the weekend. The Employee would certainly respond with an equally empty phrase indicating something to the effect of it "being all down hill from here." Next question. Yes, the woman in red.

Co-worker Helen: Helen Atwar, Marketing.

P.S.: Yes Helen?

Helen: On June 16, the Employee clearly stated in his State of the Break Room remarks that "The coffee reportedly looked refilled when I left, clients must have drained it before their meeting." Yet the visiting clients all came directly from Starbucks, leading many to believe the Employee took the last cup and fled the kitchen without refilling as protocol demands.

P.S.: We both know that is absurd Helen.

Helen: Is it? Well, then who approved the 16 words the Employee used saying the coffee pot was refilled, when clearly it was not? Is the Employee depending on the word of others to account for coffee levels he vouches for, or does he look himself?

P.S.: Old news Helen. We have already issued a statement noting there may have been errors in the coffee statement given to the Employee by someone in IT. That is why the Employee said "reportedly looked" refilled and not "was" refilled. Further, the Employee is using every means to hunt down those who drank the coffee and did not refill. They will be brought to justice. Yes, over there, Jane once again."

Co-worker Jane: I am curious as to whether the Employee is working hard or hardly working? Ha ha ha!

P.S.: The Employee would probably engage you with an utterly blank stare, flabbergasted by the inanity of your well worn cliché of dubious humor value, yet fascinated you still find it funny. He would most likely note, contrary to his currently packed schedule, that he was "hardly working". Last question.

Co-worker Jim: Jim McHart, Finance. Where's my stapler? I let him borrow it. Not only my stapler but my -

P.S.: The Employee works on several high level projects that will not allow him to talk about the use of resources. Information on your stapler, your good desk chair, your egg salad sandwich and your missing Diet Cherry Coke, are all on a need to know basis. There will be no more questions.