Gun Nearly Kills People, 11.12.01

Cans of Whup-Ass To Get Warning Label, 2.25.02

Cricket Match Brings Millions to True Spiritual Enlightenment, 5.28.02

Dagnab Coots Stuck on Daggum Issue

Network Cancels Sitcom Yet To Be Thought Of , 9.17.02

White House: Tranquilizers Not Used on Rumsfeld, 9.24.02

It's Official: No Comparing Apples to Oranges, 9.24.02

Wives Sue Hollywood over Failure to Provide Romantic Endings, 11.19.02

Study Confirms Briefs Worn by Pansy Mama's Boys, 1.14.03

Young Man Awakens Ancient Bringer of Destruction, 1.21.03

Nike to Enter Stoning Market, 1.21.03

PC Gamer Condemns Conduct of War, 4.1.03

Fewer High School Students See Selves as Future Despots

Iraqis to Learn Western Looting Techniques, 4.15.03

Iraqis Stuck With Frequent Torture Points, 4.29.03

Matrix Ruled a Monopoly, 5.13.03

God's Vengeance Not Adhering to Falwell's Expectations, 5.13.03

Animals Spare Mankind in Narrow Vote, 6.17.03

KFC's Treatment of Chickens is Beyond Wonderful, 7.22.03

Bush's Cro-Magnon Speech Writer to Retire, 7.22.03

Wal-Mart Releases 2004 Sales Forecast and Expansion Projections, 9.16.03

Captured Defense Minister Trades Up for Better Playing Card, 9.30.03

What a Crummy Year This Has Been, 10.7.03

Church Claims Condoms Kill, 10.14.03

Muppets Take Baghdad, 10.21.03

I Should Have Have Had Germans Build My Bunker, 11.11.03

Impaler Beats Bloodenor in Race for Throne of Skulls, 7.27.04

God Arrested for Sport-Fixing, 8.24.04

You People Are Mad If You Think Vader Couldn't Take the Borg Queen, 9.7.04

Bush: Increased Poverty Rate Gives More the Chance to Rise from Poverty, 9.7.04

National Guard Document Expert Analysis, 9.14.04

Rather Helps 60 Minutes Expose Shoddy Practices of 60 Minutes, 9.28.04

Newsmaker Quotes from Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Banality Ridge: Art and Style Critic Jess Hautman Critiques the Homeland Security Secretary's Tenure, 12.7.04

Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things, 4.04.05

President Bush Cancels Smoky Mountain Earth Day Visit, 4.25.05

Star Wars Fans' Safety Requires More Than the Force, 5.2.05

Newsmaker Quotes from May 23, 2005

Ask Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks, 6.6.05

Carl Michelson, White House Diminished Expectations Advisor, 8.22.05

ASK MR. SCIENCE!, 8.22.05

I'm Not Spiteful, I'm Just Incredibly Lazy, 10.14.05

We Want You to Ponder While You Vomit, 10.17.05

The Daily Probe Interview: The Big Guy, 12.7.04

Daily Probe